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Her Wisdom

This week I had lots of dreams about my girls, I think they know when I need to see them, interact with them and most of all need a hug. I cherish my night time visits.

One of the dreams I had about Abigail was that she was a teenager but in her 8 yr old body. It was a very vivid dream and Abigail made me laugh by her antics (details I’m keeping for myself right now). What I appreciated most was that, being in her 8 yr old body, she took me back to our first summer together.

We were just getting to know each other and trying to figure out how this was all going to work. I can’t say it was always easy, it’s hard at times to blend a family, but Abigail welcomed Anna and I from the start. Losing her “youngest” status was difficult but she moved into the role as a big sister with pride and I think cherished the fact that Anna adored her ~ well, until Anna did everything she could to be like Abigail which added a new word to our sibling vocabulary, annoying.

Our relationship as mother/daughter was growing and she was truly a gift for me, a gift I never really knew I needed. I had a lot to learn and she was doing everything to help me in that process. When we messed up I would often go to her and ask, “what can I do to make this easier?” We would then sit on her bed and do our best to figure out how to move forward. She was so insightful and open ~ wise beyond her years, something I don’t think I truly appreciated at the time.

Today I would love to sit with her face to face and ask, “Abigail, what can I do to make this easier?”

My heart longs for her so much. I miss my Abigail!

Happiness Journal (from this past weekend)

I tried to post this photo this weekend from my phone…it didn’t work obviously. This week I’ve been riding the high of spending a weekend with dear friends, spending time in a beautiful house on Puget Sound and going to see my daughter’s favorite singer live.

Anna would have had wide eyes at the sea of people all singing (and screaming) their favorite songs. She would have wanted to know every detail of Grace’s encounter with the very tall Taylor Swift and exactly what was said between the two of them. She would have sang her heart out; loudest when her favorite song came on, just like her mama did for her. She would have talked non-stop about how amazing and cool the concert was and would cite every detail to Tom when we got home. She would have wrapped her arms around me and thanked me a hundred times for taking her ~ that is the part I think I miss the most, Anna’s arms wrapped around me.

This weekend made my heart happy and to be honest I wasn’t sure how it would all feel.

I knew I would have pain with Anna’s absence but as I have said many times ~ when I show up, they show up.

Back Together

I would be downstairs and I could hear the music start from up in Anna’s room loud and clear. A few minutes later the music was drowned out by her singing at the top of her lungs.

“We are never, ever, ever, getting back together
We (WHEE!) are never, ever, ever, getting back together
You go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me
But we (WHEE!) are never, ever, ever, getting back together”

Who was my little girl singing to with such passion in her voice? Who was she never getting back together with and when was she with someone?

I went upstairs and peaked into her room and there she was dancing, singing and being so joyful all while sporting a scarf and a pair of “cool” sunglasses. She had no idea what she was singing just that she liked the rhythm and was able to memorize the lyrics. I smiled, and instead of turning it off, I decided to appreciate Taylor Swift for all of her good values, morals and for what she was doing for my daughter ~ she was bringing Anna joy.

Anna only played her Taylor Swift CD ~ that was her favorite and a gift from her big sister. She would listen to it over and over again, always pushing the back button to repeat her favorite, We are Never Getting Back Together, singing that one the loudest and with the most passion. Sometimes she would venture out of her room and sing her way down the stairs, always waiting for me to come and give her a wink or smile. I think she wanted me to be part of her concert.

I knew that one day Taylor Swift would be coming to town, or close to town, and that her concert would be our first together. I knew she would be so excited to see her live ~ when I close my eyes I can see her expression of joy in finding out she was going and I can see the look of excitement on her face as Taylor walks out on stage for her first number. We would buy t-shirts, a program and sing every song together, word for word. Well, she would sing them word for word and probably correct me when I messed up. The thought of this experience with her always made my heart happy ~ I couldn’t wait.

The time has come and tomorrow night I’m going to see Taylor Swift in Seattle with some of Anna and Abigail’s friends and their moms. I am so appreciative that they have included Anna and I in this experience even though it will be hard. I will get a t-shirt, a program and maybe even a poster for Anna’s room. With tears in my eyes, I will sing each song, word for word, at the top of my lungs for my girl. I know, without a doubt, she will be there with me, and although I won’t see her I will feel her joy ~ I know I will.

Experiencing life without my girls is extremely hard but I make the choices I do because in them I feel my girls presence. Often, in grief, we want to shut down and avoid the deep pain of absence. Somedays I don’t want to feel it anymore ~ staying in bed with a pillow of my head sounds so much nicer than facing yet another day without Anna and Abigail.

I have found though, that in the midst of my deep pain there is another emotion that I feel even more deeply when I choose to open my eyes to Heaven and allow myself to see the possibilities it holds ~ I feel JOY. If I closed myself off to “life” with my girls then I would never experience the joy they feel in Heaven. I think that is God’s gift to me in the midst of my suffering ~ a glimpse of the unimaginable joy they feel in eternity. So I choose to get out bed and experience life as it would be if my girls were physically here.

I’m going to our first concert together and it’s her favorite ~ Talyor Swift.

When I get to Heaven I know she will thank me for taking her and for not hiding and I will thank her for being there with me ~ always.

WE WILL BE BACK TOGETHER!

Meeting Her Perfect Match

On Nov. 30, 2014, I wrote this in my blog post called Proud ~

I remember thinking as I was saying good-bye to her that someone was getting that call they’ve been waiting for. That families were happy because their family member was getting a new lease on life. I remember those thoughts comforting me while I was kissing her forehead for the last time. She was such a giver and she now has given the ultimate gift. We are so proud of her and we are so looking forward to meeting the individuals that she blessed with her organs.

On June 27th, 2015 we met the little boy who received Abigail’s liver. He and his family decided to surprise us at the Love Rocks Run after I sent them some info and a box of their own Love Rock kits to make. We had written letters back and forth a few times over the last year and were now at the stage where we were given each other’s addresses. It took me a while to send the kits but I felt that a couple weeks before the run would be perfect, maybe they would be able to come. I had no expectations, and to be honest, the morning of the run was so busy and emotional I didn’t even remember.

Well, that was until I saw Christian’s mom standing by the finish line with a volunteer shirt on. Our eyes met and I knew right away who she was ~ I couldn’t believe it.

I ran over and gave her a hug.

Photo taken by: Skipping Stone Photography

I had no time to figure out what to say or how to react, we just did what came natural for two moms that will forever be connected.

Christian and the rest of the family were there as well, to surprise us on this very special day.

Christian crossing the finish line at the Love Rocks Run ~ healthy and happy! Photo taken by Danielle Skinner.

Meeting this little boy and his family means so much to us. We knew the evening of Oct. 21st, when they told us that Abigail was going to Heaven with Anna, that making the decision to choose to give life would bring us joy in the future. In making that decision, which we know Abigail would have made the same decision, we have been able to see so many lives renewed, we have met so many incredible people and we are given so many opportunities to share Anna and Abby’s love story.

We are so proud of both of our girls for how much they have given to so many.

A couple of weeks after the run Tom and I spoke at the OHSU Transplant Picnic. Christian, his mom and little sister all came which allowed us more time with our new extended family. I honestly feel like we’ve known them forever ~ it’s rather strange actually how connected I feel. Tom and I have shared our daughter’s love story a lot over the past 21 months but this time it was a bit different. We invited Christian to come up with us and share a bit about himself and how his life is now after receiving Abigail’s gift. Just like Abigail, he was very comfortable in front of a crowd with a microphone in his hand ~ we were very proud of him.

We were also able to introduce Christian to some of the people who work for the Pacific Northwest Transplant Bank (PTNB) and who helped to connect Abigail to her perfect organ recipients. These individuals have become dear friends of ours, again a connection that will last a lifetime.

christian and josh — Christian and Josh (he too is an Ohio State Buckeye)

While Abigail was in the hospital a lot of people prayed for a miracle ~ we prayed for a miracle. Tom and I believe wholeheartedly that Abigail went to Heaven with her sister on Oct. 20th and God, with all of His glory, granted all those prayers for a miracle to this little boy whose family was praying for a miracle for him. Abigail was Christian’s miracle and we are very proud of that fact.

While going through the photos of the run I found this one of Christian jumping up and catching bubbles with his mouth. I couldn’t help but smile and think about the girls hiding out in Abigail’s room with my phone set to video and Abigail getting her sister to catch bubbles in her mouth <3.

Truly a perfect match!

catching bubbles christian — Photo taken by Danielle Skinner

Happiness Journal

I’m smiling because I know Miss Anna is celebrating her best friends birthday in Heaven today.

My heart aches for Anna and Abigail’s friends ~ trying to understand loss is hard for me, I can’t imagine how hard it is for young minds to fully grasp a life without their bestie.

Her faith is strong, she knows that her BFF is in Heaven and she celebrates their friendship every chance she gets. Tom and I are lucky to have such great relationships with the girl’s friends and we cherish those relationships more than I’m sure anyone could imagine.

Anna is a lucky girl to have Makenna in her life.

Celebrating Makenna’s birthday makes me happy today!!!

One of my favorite pictures of Anna and Makenna...so much love <3 — One of my favorite pictures of Anna and Makenna…so much love!

Bored

These past couple of weeks I’ve used two words a lot that I used to tell the girls I didn’t want to hear in the summer time.

I’m bored.

If I heard them say it I always had a quick comeback, “bored, great…let me find you something to do.” That was always followed by an eye roll.

I have plenty to do, plenty to keep me busy – I probably should start working on some house projects before the little one comes ~ but I’m bored.

My boredom comes from the fact that all of those things are not what I want to be doing, what I want to be doing is playing with my girls, taking them to the park, hosting playdates and listening to them laugh with their friends, having lemonade stands and homemade popsicles, going to see matinees to get out of the heat or movies on the lawn at McMenamins with friends, going to every fountain in Portland so we can rate which one we like best and going on early morning trips to the zoo before everyone else arrives; the list goes on and on.

I shared this with someone the other day and they, trying to make me feel better which is appreciated, said, “don’t worry you will have plenty of that soon with your new addition.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about what this person said because I don’t think that I can express in words why that will not cure my boredom. Even with a new life in our house the presence of Anna and Abigail will always be missed ~ nothing or no one will ever fill that void. I know the person was only trying to comfort me and I do really appreciate that ~ it just got me thinking.

I worry at times that sitting at the park with our little one will be hard, maybe too hard at times. I often wonder how I will parent Anna and Abigail’s little brother or sister with my broken heart.