Happiness Journal

This morning, in a hurry to miss traffic on his way into work, Tom forgot his cell phone. I woke up to the sound of it beeping because his text message box was too full – a message was trying to be delivered.

I needed the beeping to stop.

I found his phone, pulled up his text messages and went to the beginning to see if I could delete a few to let the new one come in. The first one I saw was from me and it had a picture attached….March 2011.

The three of us were going to Ohio for spring break and a wedding shower my mom was having for me. Abigail was nervous to be away from her dad but excited to venture out with Anna and I.

We checked in with Tom a lot that week since he was home alone (playing his guitar without distractions) while we were off having fun.

Abigail’s arms tightly wrapped around Anna make me happy. I can only imagine that these two are inseparable in Heaven.

I’m thankful for Tom’s beeping phone this morning and the memory of this moment.

waiting

Thank you for the kind words and prayers. I feel your prayers and can’t say enough how much I appreciate them. There are good days, not so good days and days that just really, really suck in our new journey through this life.

This morning I read this scripture ~

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.  ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Yesterday, and many other days, I try to make sense of it all – try to process why my children are in Heaven, why this happened to us, why, why, why!  That road always ends up empty and filled with so much heartache – there are no answers to those questions that make sense. Yet, I still have days that I just want answers.

I have found the only thing that brings true peace to my heart is trusting in the Lord and trusting that the path He will lead me on will take me straight to Him and my girls. When I trust I see that path so clearly.  Somedays it’s just hard to trust because my heart hurts more than I can bear.

Today I’m choosing trust and I am filling all of the gaps of “why” with His love.

Today I’m focusing on my girls smiling and holding tightly to one another in Heaven.

Happiness Journal

Sitting here trying to force myself to come up with something that makes me happy. Don’t get me wrong…I have a lot of things I can write about but I’m finding it hard to feel happiness in my heart today.

Today I’m sad, missing my girls and wishing we were in Ohio enjoying spring break with my side of the family like we have done for years.

Those memories make me happy. Just wish I didn’t have to live the rest of this life with just memories.

Today is not a good day and I guess I can say that I’m happy I don’t have to pretend it is. Some days I just want to scream “IT SUCKS!”

 

Perfect Shade of Pink

I’m not sure how I ended up in the comforter aisle ~ the thought of a new comforter on our bed was not even on my mind and hasn’t been. I like the comforter we have and our bed is the only one that is regularly used.

I was confused until I saw it.

At first it was the polka dots that caught my eye and then it was the rainbow colors ~ dark pink, orange, yellow, green, teal blue, purple and pink ~ the exact same pink that are the color of her walls. She would love it and it would match with her room perfectly.

There was only one left and it fit the size of her bed. It was on sale. It was perfect.

I stood numb for a moment, sad, longing and wondering if it was the right thing to do. Was I even ready to take off her old one? Am I crazy for buying something for Anna even though she is in Heaven?

I decided that I’m not crazy for buying things for my girls ~ not crazy at all.

What I am is a mom who finds joy in thinking about what her daughters would like now at age 8 and 13. I’m a mom who, over time, will always stay connected to her daughters in Heaven by embracing the things they enjoyed, the friends they cherished and by celebrating the love and joy that they spread.

I’m a mom ~ plain and simple and today I put a new bed spread on Anna’s bed that I know she would adore. I also danced around her room listening to Taylor Swift really loud just like we used to.  I know, without a doubt, that she is smiling at her new bed spread and the fact that her mom will never stop mothering her ~ never.

new comforter

Down by the river where the green grass grows…

Today I wish I was playing jump rope and teaching lessons to these children at Kiambogo Primary School in Kijabe, Kenya.

africa 4Africa 1africa 2

I put my application in with Forward Edge Ministries to go back to Kenya next Fall ~ now I pray and let God nudge me in the direction he wants me to go.

I sure hope it’s back to this school yard with these kiddos!

africa 5

My Bears

 

Grief is very isolating.

Somedays it’s not easy to find joy and present myself as “being okay,” in turn making it easy for those around me to be in my presence.

I know it’s not fun being around someone who is sad, brokenhearted and missing her children ~ what do you say, what do you do to help her when you know there is nothing that can be done?

On the unbearable days, when I’m in the hole and not wanting to come out, it’s the people who I know will climb down into the hole with me that bring comfort to my heart. They usually don’t try to fix my unfixable problem but rather provide me with loving support. This support isn’t necessarily their physical presence (I often prefer to be alone), but rather support through prayer, a loving text, a Love Rock on my doorstep, a kind hug and sometimes a phone call with conversation about the weather.

To all of those who have been my bears, thank you!