Refresh

Spent the day refreshing the tree a bit.

tree march

When I came out to take some pictures guess who was arriving home from a long day of nut gathering….Stanley!

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I put some pom-poms around his little home so that he doesn’t feel the need to do any damage. He was so funny, knew I was watching him so he just sat rubbing his little paws against his face.

So cute.

Just wait Stanley, Linus is coming tomorrow and I’m training him to chase squirrels.

PS. We love when people visit the tree and leave notes, balloons, flowers or whatever you feel moved to leave for the girls. All of the love notes that have been left are brought inside and kept.  The tree is a very special place for us but we want it to also be a space people can come visit and celebrate the girls. If you’re visiting and happen to see Stanley, don’t hesitate to take him home with you…I bet he would make a good pet.

Celebrating

I’ve been spending a lot of time sewing in our studio.a2 pillows

After making Abigail’s quilt square for the Threads of Life Quilt I decided that I would take the concept for the square and turn it into a pillow, Abigail’s pillow. The concept is the same as the square, the tree is one that we designed to put on the back of her favorite green sweatshirt and the leaves are made from fabric used to make pillows in her room, her favorite homemade pajamas and lots of other fun projects we have created over the years.Abigail's pillow

Of course I then created Anna’s pillow, which has a giant heart in the center made with six layers of fabric. Anna loved to draw hearts, I have hundreds around our house that she has drawn, painted, hand stitched and embellished. The fabric for the hearts came from the same fabric used to make a quilt for her crib, pillows in her room, pajamas that she wore on a regular basis and her homemade dance bag that now carries her dirty socks.Anna's pillow

I would love to eventually make and sell the pillows and put all the proceeds into the Anna and Abigail Memorial Fund. Portions of this fund will be used to build the best playground in the world in honor of my girls. We are also in the process of developing a foundation in their name which will continue to give to our community in a variety of ways. I’m still working out the details and trying to figure out how to start a foundation (I will write more about this at a later date). So much to do.  I love figuring it all out and watching as God puts the pieces and people in place to make it happen.

I’ve been so busy celebrating my girls and it feels good. I figure that if they were here I would be making their lunches, taking them to activities, listening to their stories, helping them with their homework and many other joyful parenthood responsibilities.

I would be taking care of them.

I may not be able to physically hold them now but I can hold them in my heart and celebrate them in new ways, ways that will keep their creative, energetic and lovable nature alive.

I will do this till we are together again, that is my promise to them.

I will never stop celebrating them!

family

My Beautiful Girls!

Dust

It’s so beautiful outside right now. With the sun beaming in through the windows I can see all the dust that has accumulated over the past several months. I decided yesterday that it was time to clean the girls rooms. After 5 months of sitting untouched I probably should do some dusting, vacuuming and general wiping down of their space. I’m not moving anything, I’m just doing what I would do if they were still here on earth.

I’m sure they are in Heaven shocked that their rooms have gone untouched. They were responsible for keeping their rooms clean but I usually did a thorough cleaning when they were away for a long weekend. I loved having them come back home with a fresh clean room. I think they both knew if they kept it messy I would always come in and clean while they were away. Smart kids and clean freak Mama.

Sun shining, Taylor Swift turned up loud and a heavy heart. I would much rather have it look like someone has been there than to have it go untouched.

I just wish they were still here.

rooms

Big Bev

When I was little I had an imaginary friend named Laurie, no relation to my best friend Laurie. My imaginary friend Laurie was a couple years older than me and wore her hair in a bee hive hair do. She also wore 50’s style clothing, something I think I got from watching to much Happy Days throughout my childhood. If I close my eyes I can still see her.

I remember talking to her when times were rough and feeling that she was the only person that understood me. I don’t think about her much anymore or at least I didn’t until Anna started talking to Bev.

Bev was Anna’s imaginary friend. There were actually two friends, Big Bev and Little Bev. When asked, Anna could give a full description of what the Bevs were up to at any given moment. When asked she would pause, look up to the sky as though she was in deep thought and then give you a play-by-play of what Big Bev and Little Bev were doing.

Big Bev and Little Bev traveled back and forth to Ohio with us, played with Anna in her room, sat with us at the dinner table and were always in the car with us when traveling to and from Tami’s house. They were a constant in our lives when Anna was 3 years old but remained a topic of discussion well past her toddler years. After blending our families, the older siblings loved to ask Anna about Bev to see what she would come up with. Abigail once said that her “friends” and Anna’s were traveling in Africa together. I’m sure my “friend” Laurie was with them too.

This video is one of many bath time interviews Anna and I did while it was just the two of us. She had so much to say and I am so happy I got a lot of it on video. I loved asking her questions and hearing her thoughts.

https://vimeo.com/88817051

After the girls went to Heaven my dear friend Amy came from Pennsylvania to be with us. Amy’s husband is in the military,  and when our kids were babies, Wil was stationed in Iraq for a year. During that time Amy and I would talk on the phone two or more times per day and discussed the happenings of our little ones and the joys and struggles of being a single parent.  I’m not sure what I would have done without Amy during this period of my life. Being a single parent is hard but when you have a dear friend to share it with, it makes it fun. We would call for absolutely no reason other than to hear another adult speak. I cherish those phone conversations with my dear friend.

A couple of days after Anna and Abigail’s memorial service Amy and I sat in the car talking. We started sharing memories about Anna’s friend, Big Bev  Amy then pulled out a little medallion, the St Theresa Medal, that was given to her by a co-worker to give to me. The co-worker insisted that I have it and at the time Amy thought maybe it was a little strange that this woman, who doesn’t know me, was sending her with a gift. Her co-worker, Bev, told her that she thought it was important for me to have it. This precious medallion now sits on the nightstand next to my bed. It’s amazing how a kind gesture from a total stranger can have so much meaning. I’m sure there was a higher power orchestrating the exchange and I can’t help but wonder if Anna is hanging out with her friend Bev now. I wonder if she really looks like me. 

Seal Rock

Not a lot of words today just pictures from this weekend’s trip to Seal Rock. We are so blessed by so many and this weekend was another blessing by people we don’t even know.  Our cousin, Tori, connected us with some folks who had a wonderful place at Seal Rock and they wanted us to go and spend a weekend there to get away.

Tom and I are learning how to be in this new life of ours. Having some time away to focus on us is definitely appreciated. We can’t thank the Hertert’s enough for allowing us to be in their beautiful space for the weekend.

On Saturday morning I sat with my coffee looking out the window that overlooked the coast. Waves crashing against the rocks, seagulls flying and a tide that was slowly going out. I was waiting for my rainbow to appear, the girls telling me that they were there. All of a sudden Tom yells, “Are those eagles?” Sure enough two beautiful bald eagles soared in front of the window and of course I was so taken by it I spilt my coffee all over my lap. We both laughed. Those girls!

God is grand and his creation is so magnificent. I’m sure that what my girls are seeing is beyond words and I know that if asked to come back they would assure me that they are good where they are. They know that we will be there soon enough.

Even when I don’t want to go another day without them God assures me that it will be alright and gives me the peace in knowing that we will be together again.

I know this to be true and for that I am so grateful.

seal 2 seal1 seal5 seal 3 seal 7 seal rock

Spending the rest of my day in our studio sewing. I’m working on some creations in honor of my girls. I’m really enjoying being in our space and I’m hoping to get lost in it today.