My artist ❤

They had just met a month prior and when I asked them what they wanted to do together they said, “paint of course.”

I am so grateful for the beautiful messes they made while creating stunning works of art that now hang on our walls. Their creations are priceless and will forever bring me back to this moment in time and make me smile.

Love my artist!

I thought it would be another few months if not a year before I made the formal introduction. Alice had another plan.

This past week Alice has begun to explore a little more. Her confidence is up and her eyes are wide open to the many spaces of our home. The other day I walked out of her room for a second only to return to her little feet disappearing into Anna’s closet/apartment. This space is sacred and although it will be shared per Anna’s permission, I had not taken Alice into it yet to explore.

As I hit the threshold of the door I could see her sitting, eyes open wide, in front of Anna’s babies. I said her name, and with a huge smile as though she hit the jackpot, she turned to me.

“Alice, would you like to meet Anna’s babies?”

She gave me a huge smile.

We sat and I pulled each one out, telling her their names (all named by Anna) and little bit about their lives with their mama. Anna loved her babies so much and took such great care of each one ~ Baby Obama, Baby Stella , Baby Louie and her favorite Baby Mary. Alice held each one, taste tested their bald heads and then moved to the next.

I then lifted Baby Jesus out of the crib. This doll is special because it actually belonged to me when I was a little girl and was passed down to Anna. It was named by Anna the minute she laid eyes on him (don’t be confused by the dress).

“Alice, this is Baby Jesus, Baby Jesus, this is your Aunt Alice.”

She reached and pulled Baby Jesus onto her lap and then proceeded to talk to him ~ the sound of her excitement warmed my heart. Ever since that day Alice and Baby Jesus have been inseparable. She loves holding him, kissing him, wrestling with him and nurturing him.

In time Alice, I’m sure, will have her own set of dolls to love and nurture,  but for now it warms my heart that she is bonding with her sister’s babies.

These dolls are very lucky to have Anna for a mama and Alice for an aunt.

Shortly after I wrote and posted yesterday Alice woke up from a nap. I could hear her making noises and bouncing herself in her hammock ~ yes, my daughter naps in a hammock and it’s the best thing ever. As I approached her, we met eyes and she smiled.

Her smile consumed my whole heart.

Even the desperate and broken pieces.

Each day I wake up, take a deep breath and make a choice.

Each day I make a choice to keep going. Yesterday I didn’t want to make that choice, I wanted to climb into the deepest part of my suffering and submerge my head in the water.

Then Anna and Abigail’s sister pulled me ashore and smiled. They need me to take care of her with all of my heart, even the broken pieces.

Thank you for reaching out through your comments, texts and Facebook messages ~ your kindness means the world to me.

I’m sitting with a list of things I need to do by my side. We just returned from a visit with family in Ohio and there is laundry to do and a trip to the grocery store in our plans for today.

I don’t want to do anything but snuggle with Alice.

I want to curl up with her, close my eyes and wish the next month away.

In one months time my girls will have been in Heaven for 3 years ~ my heart wishes so much that was not my reality, our reality.

Tom and I are struggling because the season hurts so bad. We are struggling because we both want so badly to reverse time, go back and change the course that our lives took 3 years ago.

We have light in our lives and we have so much sadness.

So much sadness.

I can hear Anna yell from upstairs, “Mom, make sure to get caramel sauce today at the store to dip my apples in at lunch.”

I can see Abigail’s grumpy face as she sits down for breakfast before school, she was never a morning person.

To hear their voices and to see their faces in person is what my heart so desperately longs for.

Desperate is how I feel these days.

I work really hard keeping my mind focused on the light instead of the darkness of my longing.

I’m not “ok,” I’m just working really hard trying to survive the pain and the darkness.

Today I just want to hug my girls ~ I desperately want to hug my girls.