I Will Call Her Sally

It’s been awhile since I’ve talked about Stanley, who I’ve renamed Sally, and her little ones. Turns out she had 6 babies, all very healthy and lively. They were born in April and proved to be very entertaining for those of us that spend a lot of time looking at Anna and Abigail’s tree. They were very active; jumping from limb to limb, chasing and taunting each other, like typical siblings, swinging on branches and climbing high up into the canopy that provides shade for our garden. I loved watching their antics.

After finding less and less Cirque du Squirreil shows happening out front I decided to do some squirrel behavior research and found out that Sally has most likely relocated her family. I still see her from time to time but I don’t see the little ones very often. I miss them and their antics.

This weekend Tom and I decided it was time to change up the girls’ tree. I had a plan that was formulating in my head and I have to say that it turned out better than I had imagined. Tom and I had a lot of fun putting it all together and loved that neighbors and friends joined in the fun, stopped by to chat or just simply raised a hand to say hello while they drove by.

This tree, Anna and Abigail’s tree, will forever change with the seasons both naturally and by two parents who find peace in the exact spot their daughters went to Heaven.

Through my squirrel research I found that their could be babies this September if Sally finds love again (actually it has nothing to do with love). I can’t help but think these little babies born in our special tree are destined to do great things.

summer 2014 treeLinus rainbow tree

I found Linus hanging out in Anna's room today...love the rainbow right outside her window.
I found Linus hanging out in Anna’s room today…love the rainbow right outside her window.

 

At the end of my day…

At the end of my day, I walk upstairs and I don’t hear voices coming from their rooms. I don’t hear dance music or laughter or a little girl talking to her baby before she puts her to bed in her crib. I don’t have to step over toys or put away clothes or ask for shoes to be moved into their proper place before lights out.

At the end of my day, I stare at a photo. I count each freckle I see on her perfect little nose and I stare into eyes that have been downloaded into my fancy computer. I touch the screen and I whisper I love you to Heaven and back.

At the end of my day, I thank God for taking care of my girls, for tucking them in at night in their Heavenly beds and for giving me the strength to get through one more day without them.

At the end of my day, I close my eyes and pray that this will be the night they come to visit in my dreams.

fish

Happiness Journal

I know that today there will be a lot of milkshakes and dancing going on in Heaven.

milkshake with Anna

I will do the same here. Wishing we could celebrate together.

Happy I have this picture of my girl drinking a really good milkshake. I sure do miss that face.

Mr. Photogenic

We were thinking he would do therapy work someday but I’m not sure if that is in his future. What I do know is that Linus is definitely in love with the camera. Every time I bring it out he sits and lets me take shot after shot. I raise my hand up and he follows it with his eyes and will slightly tilt his head giving me the perfect shot.

Who knows what his job will be other than our little healer. What I do know is he’s been getting me out of the house in the mornings for a long walk and for that I am grateful.

So thankful for him and his cute little face.

linus and me

If You Build It…

It was a beautiful Wednesday night and we were heading to the market when I noticed the sign on the door “open”; the three of us were very excited to go inside. We walked around looking at all the handmade goods and I knew exactly what both of my girls were thinking, you could see their wheels turning. Polly, the owner, was just what you would expect from a pop-up craft store with tons of vintage charm. She was delightful and chatted with us a bit about their plans for the holidays and what we should expect from The Crafty Fox. After 15 years of living in Forest Grove I was very excited to have a little shop like this in our town.

“What should we make to sell there,” were the exact words that came out of both of their mouths when we left. They then came up with handful of ideas:  bookmarks, fairy houses and anything duct taped. Anna and Abigail loved to create and the prospect of selling their goods was very exciting to both of them. Abigail then asked me what I would make to sell at the shop. I smiled, proud that my daughter had confidence in my crafting abilities and that she honestly thought people would buy something I made. I told them both that we would come up with some ideas in the next couple of weeks and that we would definitely buy our Christmas gifts at The Crafty Fox. Like all of the other small businesses in our town I definitely wanted to see them be successful.

We continued on to the Farmer’s Market, bought some of our favorite cookies, talked with our neighbors and friends and enjoyed another Wednesday evening of small town living. It was October 16th and life was good.

I couldn’t go into The Crafty Fox for a while, it was too hard, they were too excited. Instead I made pillows and daydreamed about all the things my girls would have made to display there: bookmarks, fairy houses and anything duct taped. I have a lot of samples of each of these made by my girls and they are some of my most precious treasures. Both of my girls were very talented artistically and loved to create.

After a couple of months I finally made my way up town with some Anna and Abigail pillow samples under my arm and a bag I had made Anna to carry her dance shoes in. I thought I would show Polly and see what she thought about selling them in her shop. I could spend my days doing what I loved in honor of my girls. They would be proud of me and would be excited that I was selling my goods at The Crafty Fox (they loved the name).

Polly and I have become friends, day dreaming together about projects and possibilities. She listens to me while I share about my girls and has provided a space in her shop for people to make Love Rocks. I appreciate her friendship and I know that my girls would too. They would think it is really cool that I am friends with the owner of The Crafty Fox. I can almost hear Abigail bragging about it.

I’m still in the process of making pillows and excited to start on some other projects to share. I’m really excited about the Kids Craft Camps that are going to be at The Crafty Fox this summer and I’m thrilled to be teaching Fairy Week.

I spent most of today building a fairy house for the camp. I have to say I know the girls were with me, whispering in my ear telling me where they would place every stone, piece of bark and treasure. When they built fairy houses they always put a little note inside for the fairy to find when they came for a visit. The fairy, almost always, left a little something behind for my girls. It was my favorite part, watching their faces, full of delight, find the treasures left behind.

I know that the fairies will visit tonight because I always told my girls, “If you build it…fairy house campthey will come.”anna fairy standing

“All you need is faith, trust and a little bit of pixie dust.”                 ~ Peter Pan

Sorrow and Joy

Overwhelming sorrow of not being able to hold them and a deep sense of joy knowing my girls are with their Creator; that is what I feel.

On one hand I take deep breaths to get me through each moment, my heart aches in ways I never knew were possible, and I really don’t know how I’ll make it through another day without my girls. On the other hand my heart is full of love and joy; I’m overwhelmed by the grace that God has given me and I have a tremendous amount of peace that everything is going to be ok.

I look at their pictures, remember their laughs and watch video after video, desperately wanting one more second with each of them. I miss them so much. My heart hurts and as each new day brings memories of a time once shared, I feel a sadness that takes over my being. I feel the water getting deeper and deeper and I know I need to go under for awhile, to feel the sorrow and the pain that only comes with allowing myself to truly come to terms with my loss.

I feel His arms holding me as I take each step into the water, knowing I need to go to this place that will bring so much pain. I hear His voice reassuring me that He will not let me go, that He will stay close and make sure that I will resurface. I have seen His glory surround me and know that I will be ok, and that one day Anna, Abigail and I will be reunited.

Today, this very minute, I just want to hold them and be joyful and silly together.

mama and girls silly