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Little Mama

Found this photo of Anna today. I can’t help but smile remembering how many shots it took to make that years valentines. So glad I have so many photos, even the outtakes.

Along with the valentine photo I found these photos of Anna and her baby dolls. All were named by their mama and all have had a very love drenched life. I think about how many times Anna would come home after a weekend away with her dad and head right upstairs to make sure her babies were okay.

I would sneak up the stairs and just listen to her sweet voice. She would sing to them, change their clothes, feed them and nurture them. Watching her you knew that someday she was going to be the best mama ever.

Anna loved her dolls, each one was personally named by their mama. Baby Jesus was my doll when I was little and named by Anna the minute she held him in her arms. Baby Obama was named after the President. He was acquired in 2009 shortly after the inauguration was aired on TV, I really didn’t think Anna was paying attention. Baby Louie came at Christmas time and was adored by his mother. He was the perfect size for her little arms. Baby Stella came named but Anna said she would have named her Stella anyways. Anna loved all of her accessories, especially the magnetic bottle that stuck to her mouth.

baby mary

Baby Mary was Anna’s all time favorite. She arrived at our house after Anna’s very first doll, Baby Ella, disappeared out the window while driving on Highway 26. Anna was holding Baby Ella one minute and the next she was pointing out the window and Ella was nowhere to be found. It was a sad day and I wanted Anna to learn the lesson that when you throw something out the window it doesn’t necessarily come back.

My mom had other plans and immediately ordered her granddaughter another doll, exactly like Baby Ella, and it arrived a week later. Anna was thrilled thinking that Baby Ella had returned but after explaining that this doll, although it looked identical to her first, was a new baby she quickly named her Baby Mary.

Since Anna’s been in Heaven I’ve been taking care of Baby Mary. She sits on my bed all day wrapped in Anna’s favorite blanket and is dressed in the clothes her mama put on her before we went to church on October 20th. I can’t imagine her ever leaving this spot in my room. Anna would be proud that I am taking care of her baby.

I miss seeing my little girl nurture her dolls. I miss how she loved to carry them around in her old car seat, bring them to Susan’s Cafe for a snack and how she just started to sit and actually read to them. She was very excited that she could actually sound out the words of her old baby board books.

I miss seeing how this love for her dolls extended to real life babies and other children younger than herself. She could sit and hold her younger cousins for hours. She loved to “babysit” the younger siblings of her friends during playdates at the park. She adored the little ones and always did what she could to make them feel loved.

My girl had an amazing heart and she knew how to share it. I love her so much!

Spring Babies

I got a message this afternoon from the ladies at the District Office that said,

“New development at the tree. Sally had 3 babies. We noticed them today poking all their little heads out of the holes. Fun to watch. You should check it out!”

I immediately grabbed my camera and went out to investigate. Wouldn’t you know it the little ones have arrived.

I bet they love how comfy their little home is…probably will never want to leave.

Looking forward to watching them play.

National Organ Donation Month

“He is having a good time being a lively boy.”

As I read this line of an email I received yesterday I could picture him, playing out on the playground at his school. Maybe he had been restricted in the months or even years leading up to receiving the call that there was a liver that was a perfect match. This 8-year-old boy whose life changed the day Abigail went to Heaven. His family able to sleep knowing that their little guy will be ok.

I pray for them.

I am grateful that God makes good out of bad. I am grateful for this families love story and how God has entwined our lives together. We do not know them but hopefully one day we will get to meet and tell them all about our girls. I would love to see this little boy’s smile.

Last April, celebrating National Organ Donation Month was not even on our radar. I had heard stories about lives being changed by organ donation but never could have imagined that we, in just a years time, would be part of this family of giving life after a death.

I had a conversation with the girls once about people who give their organs to others after they die. I remember Abigail asking 10 yr old questions and Anna not understanding that it wouldn’t hurt to take out your organs after your soul was already in Heaven. I didn’t think much of the conversation until October 21st when we were being asked if we would consider donating Abigail’s organs.

The answer to that question was easy, of course we would because Abigail would want that. I remember Tom looking at me, tears in his eyes, and saying that this will be the joy, Abigail will give life.

I am so proud of my girls for so many reasons. They have shown so much love and hope through their lives but also through their death.

Someday, I too will be in Heaven, and I will yell their names and they will come running. I focus on that embrace in my darkest hours, the embrace that does not have an end but will last for eternity.

A Day of Remembrance

Today Randall Children’s Hospital held their yearly Day of Remembrance for all the families that have lost a child over the past year. Emily, Ben, Tom and I went down to the hospital for the first time since the week of October 21st. I think we were all a bit on edge this morning anticipating the emotions that would emerge when we walked into the hospital again. We sat in silence for most of the trip downtown.

The service was beautiful and we were able to see some people who touched our lives during Abigail’s hospital stay. We also got to hug and thank them in person. This felt so good to do.

As we sat in a room full of people, lovely harp music playing in the background, I couldn’t help but realize that we are not alone. These people, other moms and dads, had suffered a great loss just like us. They too woke up this morning with the reality that their little one was in Heaven. They too have to figure out how to manage their lives on this new journey, so new for me that I can close my eyes and still smell the leaves that were falling from Anna and Abigail’s tree the night they went to Heaven.

We are not alone on this path of trying to figure out how to live without our children, the path that no one wants to be on.

I exchanged numbers with a mom from our neighboring town. She had seen our story on the news and wanted to give me a hug, let me know she was praying for us. I told her that I would pray for her. She is a mom, just like me, that has to wake up in the morning, take a deep breath and get by minute by minute without being able to hug her youngest. Her story may be different than mine but we both have so much in common.

We daydream about a place where rainbows are slides, rivers are made of chocolate and our children hold hands with Jesus.

Held

Sometimes I’m not sure what to say. Thank you just doesn’t seem good enough. If it was, I don’t think I would constantly feel like I don’t do enough to show my gratitude for all of the people, families, organizations, businesses and communities that have done so much to support us over the past five months. The support we have felt is unbelievable. We feel held by so many ever since the girls went to Heaven.

I want to be able to personally thank and hug every single person that has extended a hand to help us, brought us food, dropped gifts of kindness at our doorstep or simply just said a silent prayer that God will bring us peace through our suffering. I have list upon list of people who I want to thank. I’m not sure if I will ever get through them all. I do, however, pray for those who are keeping us in their prayers and have extended love to us in some way, even if they did so anonymously. I will do this forever.

My heart is overcome with gratitude. I feel so blessed and so loved by so many. God is so amazing and He has brought so many into our lives to take care of us during this time. He has filled our hearts with peace so prayers have definitely been answered.

Someone sent me this song shortly after the girls went to Heaven. I can’t stop listening to it. It speaks to me on so many levels.

This morning there was an early knock at the door from the mailman which usually means we have a package. It was big and sent from Northwest Washington. Inside was a beautiful handmade pillow, some photos of the girls put onto fabric and a bundle of fabric scraps, leftovers from a previous package we received about a month ago.

I had received a text from my friend Brandi saying she had a package for me from one of her friends that she wanted to bring over. When she arrived she told me how the package came to be. Her dear friend, Tana, had seen something on her Facebook page regarding our story and felt completely compelled to do something.

In the package there was a beautiful handmade quilt. The colors, the fabric, the details and the pictures were absolutely perfect. The colors of the fabric were orange, pink, green, turquoise and purple. I had just redone our upstairs landing and the colors selected matched perfectly. The details, two pockets, one for each girl, held treasures to be found, much like the treasures I find in our house every single day. The pictures, some of my very favorites, were transferred onto fabric and placed throughout the quilt. My heart was overwhelmed with joy at this beautiful gesture of love from a complete stranger.

Along with the quilt was a letter, written by a mom who heard about our girls and said her heart bled for a family that she didn’t even know. She said she found herself talking to Anna and Abigail while picking colors for the fabric and trying to create the perfect gift.

I found myself talking to Abigail and Anna. I told them I knew about their art studio and had seen pictures of a few of their creations, so I knew they were very creative girls. I’m talking out loud, having this conversation…and then I felt their presence. I just knew they were there with me. So, I asked them to guide me, give me input, share their creativity. I was trying to decide on a measurement and loud and clear I heard “11+6 is 17″…I had chills from head to toe!!!! I realized this was the girls’ ages added together…and guess what…17 was the measurement that made the pieces all begin to come together. Susan, this made sense now! I was simply doing the motions, IT WAS YOUR GIRLS MAKING YOU THIS QUILT! So this is for you, from your amazing daughters!

Looking at the quilt I know this to be true. This quilt, that hangs in our landing that is located between Anna and Abigail’s rooms, fits both of them perfectly. There were other signs that occurred during the making of the quilt that made it so obvious that the girls were present. Tana wrote in her letter that with God there are no coincidences, just amazingness! I couldn’t agree more.

She wrote about her family and how they watched the quilt come together. She even included pictures of her little one holding a picture of our girls. My heart was full of so much love. I knew right then that Tana and I were going to be great friends, friends brought together by my girls.

We chatted on the phone a couple of days later and talked as though we had known each other forever. I feel so blessed by this new friendship and I can’t wait to meet in person. The quilt, the pillow and everything they represent means the world to me. I am so grateful to my little angels for connecting us.

Can’t wait to give my new friend a great big hug.